


Leyndarmál

by WJ_Sycamore



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Falling In Love, Loki is a student, M/M, Oslo (City), Sex will appear later on, Thor is a student, Thor's POV, Thorki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-04 13:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4138869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WJ_Sycamore/pseuds/WJ_Sycamore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Thor steps into the tram on Frogner Plass, nothing is the same anymore; when he notices a mysterious green-eyed man, he is struck as if by lightning and is sure he has found the love of his life. But that mysterious man keeps a secret that will change their lives forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 Waiting for the tram on Nationaltheatret dragged on forever; I shifted from one foot to the other and put my hands into my pockets. It was October, beginning of the autumn. Here, in Norway, in practice it meant the beginning of long, dark nights and short, cloudy days.

 It was no special day; I was just coming back from the classes on the UiO, I had my sport bag slung over my shoulder, and I was going for training – I swam. I had been doing it since childhood. I loved it and couldn't imagine my life without it. When I couldn't go to the swimming hall, I’d run. It was best to do it around the Hakkloa lake, it was the most beautiful place.

 What’s more, my longtime girlfriend, Sif, appreciated the fact that I was fit. So there was no reason to change it.

 Then I had no idea that my life was going to change completely in a minute. Turn upside down. Turn 180 degrees; no, then I was still in sweet ignorance, the Swedish band Kent was playing in my headphones and the tram just appeared at the bend.

In the moment when I got into it, my life has changed completely.

I stood near some oldie and a woman with a baby, whereupon I raised my sight and it was when I saw Him for the first time.

 It was like a tsunami that knocked me off my feet, dunked me, so that I couldn’t catch my breath. Because I was short of breath in that moment; it was also like a clap of thunder, as if hundreds of deadly volts just ran throughout me. There is something in the French saying _coup de foudre_ about the love at first sight.

 Apart from that, my name, Thordal, came from Nordic god of thunder, Thor. Everyone also called me like that. 

 So, I couldn’t fall in love otherwise than by _coup de foudre_ ; it was just as if fate knew it already from the beginning, as if my mother – calling me that but no other way – knew perfectly well what was going to happen twenty five years later.

 I was staring as if hypnotised and I couldn’t take my eyes off Him; never before have I gaped at somebody like that. Yes, I liked looking at the girls’ curves, their breasts and hips were beautiful, so soft. I was a visualiser, like every typical man. So from most of the things I liked looking best.

 But it wasn’t any girl I saw in the tram then; I saw a young man. The most beautiful man I have ever seen. Half-long black hair, delicate, finely chiseled features. Well-formed nose, quite thin but red lips, they seemed soft, my eyes stopped at them for a while.

 But it was the eyes that caught my greatest attention; green, scintillating eyes that looked into my blue ones, a bit mischievous and a bit shy way. Those eyes, I knew I’d never forget them. They read me like a book and I drowned in them, fell into that green abyss like a complete idiot. The man was dressed in jeans and black leather jacket. What differentiated Him from other passengers was the fact that in one hand He was holding six weighty books and a paper bag with different fruit – oranges, grapefruit, bananas… - in the other one. And there was also a skull on the top of that bag. A human skull. Exactly the same the medicine students analyse or pupils watch at biology lessons.

 So I kept looking at that unique phenomenon, fascinated. I was wondering: what does He need it for? Why does He need so much fruit? Maybe He was going somewhere, perhaps on Greenland? Or maybe He worked in the kindergarten and was going to bring the children some source of the C vitamin…? But what about the skull?! Maybe He played in the theatre and has just finished the rehearsal to _Hamlet_ …? The man smiled at me shyly and I did the same. Oh God. My heart was hammering so loudly that I became afraid that it was going to fall out of my chest.

 Suddenly, the tram took a sharp turn; all the passengers bent to the right, trying to get a hold of anything they had within reach.

 Before I even thought about that, I headed towards the green-eyed man with a mission to rescue His fruit and books. I caught the paper bag with one hand, and put my other hand around His waist, trying not to let him fall down.

 It turned out worse than I expected.

 The skull and all the fruit fell out on the floor, the round ones rolled all over the tram, running away from the whole occurrence. The books also ended up on the floor, making a loud noise.

 I looked at Him pell-mell, feeling His questioning look at my face; it wasn’t admonitory, no, rather amused by whole that situation, I’d say.

\- I’m sorry – I mumbled to Him. I thought it was okay to say sorry for my stupidity but I admonished myself in my thoughts: to begin the conversation with apologies! It couldn’t be worse, could it.

\- _Din nisse*_ – the man said in sotto voce. I almost started shaking only when I heard it; His voice suited Him perfectly, it was quite low, mellow, euphonious. One of those that can be heard for hours for self pleasure of listening, even if its owner is speaking in unknown language.

 And, yes. There was something more in this voice I caught: a foreign accent. Sure, it was fluently said in Norwegian (besides, it was only two words), however, for the ethnic Norwegian as I was it didn’t sound completely ‘right’; neither was it a dialect. That beautiful young man didn’t come from here. But after such a short moment I couldn’t say from where exactly.

 I started picking up things from the floor I managed to catch. Books, in the first place. I picked up some of them, curiously looking at the titles. Goya, van Dyck, Munch. Oh, I knew the last one. While in Norway, it is hard not to hear about him. I also noticed that He had lent it from Nasjonalbiblioteket. It was a valuable information.

 I handed them to Him along with the skull and one of the oranges. I managed to touch His hand on the fly. It lasted just for a split second but I managed to notice that He had cold, smooth hands. I liked that.

\- Thank you – He said when the tram stopped on Frogner Plass stop. The man gave me a last glance and left the tram in a hurried pace. My eyes followed Him for a while, watching His graceful movements. He was like out of this world. He was like a creature from a fairy tale that visited my world by chance. What for? I had no idea.

 When He disappeared out of my sight, I came back to reality. People around, even if they stared, now came back to their smartphones or iPhones. I was perplexed, dazed. My brain worked slowly, far too slowly.

 Suddenly I became aware that I should have followed Him. That I should have stepped off the tram at the Frogner Plass stop along with Him. God, why am I such an idiot? Why hadn’t I done that?

 I got out rapidly at the next stop and started running towards the previous one; it wasn’t far away, the thing wasn’t about the distance but about time. And what if I never see Him again, it ran around my head. No, no, it couldn’t be that way. I had to do something.

 When I finally arrived at Frogner Plass, I hurriedly looked around. Crowds of people dashing somewhere, getting in and out of the trams or underground. Where did He go? I thought it was Kirkeveien, until I lost Him out of my sight. I dashed in that direction, looking around in all directions.

 He wasn’t there.

 Angry and frustrated, I ran the whole street along. The only trace I found was an orange peel in a dustbin. Maybe it was Him who’d thrown it out? It could be anybody else as well.

 Congratulations to me, I thought. For a unique brilliancy and pace. I should be given the prize of the biggest idiot of the year.

 I could be angry only with myself. I came back on the tram stop and got into the next tram that came. I was already quite late for the training and it happened to me rarely. Nevermind. I didn’t really think about it in that moment. I had something else, or rather someone else, in my head.

 When I finally reached the place, I got a bollocking from the trainer for being late; however, I turned a deaf ear, changed and jumped into the swimming pool. I did well, the physical exercise let me lose some of the accumulated energy and my choler disappeared as if by magic. Even though, it was disappointment and some frustration that stayed. When the training came to an end, the trainer even praised me. Usually, I felt very proud of myself; then, I felt nothing.

 When I came into the changing room, I began wondering. I have never thought of myself as being gay or even bisexual; such vision didn’t put me off but neither did it turn me on. The guys have always been friends to me, no one else. I have never looked at them the way I looked at girls.

 So why Him? Why so suddenly? It hit me, knocked me out, leaving me hopeless and frustrated. Never before has such a thing happened to me. Never. Even with my current girlfriend; before we became a couple, we knew each other and were friends. The relationship developed in a natural way, there was no thunder in it. No sparks.

 However, that man… He was unique. Magnetic. Is it even possible that I do not feel attracted to men with that one exception?

 When I changed in the dressing room, I looked at the mates, just the way I have always done it. There was nothing erotic in that look, nothing with sexual overtone. Their bodies were just like mine. They didn’t induce any emotions in me. Nothing.

\- Hey, Thor, how are you? You look quite lame today, huh? – asked Johan with which I have known since High School. I managed to smile faintly.

\- Nothing, really, I missed the tram, then I was stuck in the traffic jam and before I had an argument with Sif – I lied through my teeth.

\- Oh, mate, so now some flowers and chocolates for apology – kidded Bjørn, the one that overheard our conversation. We laughed, I thanked him for the advice. I have no idea what they could think if I told them the truth.

 I returned home by underground, to the flat I shared with a friend from the university. When I came back, he wasn’t in yet, so I had some time for myself. I quickly made some dinner for myself, whereupon I took my laptop on and started doing some researches; I tried to find the green-eyed man among the friends of my friends on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, everywhere. But there was no trace left.

 Angry and frustrated, I closed the laptop; all in all, I had only once choice left: Nasjonalbiblioteket. Every day. He had to return His books one day, didn’t He?

________

* _Din nisse_ \- you silly


	2. Chapter 2

For the whole next day I hung around the library; I went for a quick lunch after my classes and came back to my _position_. I had a great strategical seat there – I could sit by the table unseen, while watching everyone coming in and out of the building. I felt as if on some kind of hunting, I got such an impression. A bit like a stalker waiting for his victim. I felt awful with that but my brain didn’t comprehend that such a behaviour was irrational; nothing really could get through to me.

I tried to focus on studying, I had to do anything just not to sit like an idiot there, however, I couldn’t really focus at all, I twitched with a racing heart every time I heard the library door opening. 

However, I had to go soon because I had a date with Sif at 6 p.m. Even though, I didn’t want to go, I laboured under a delusion that the Green-Eyed Man would appear so I protracted this moment for eternity; eventually I had to run to make everything on time: to come back to my flat, leave my stuff, take a shower and dress up properly. I had to do everything in a hurry but I didn’t regret the time spent in the library; the only thing I was worried about was: what if the green-eyed comes while I am not there. 

I jumped on my motorbike and arrived at the block of flats where my girlfriend lived. I was wondering if that what had happened was already an infidelity or not yet. It was an awful feeling because I still had so much feelings and love for Sif and, besides, it wasn’t her fault but only mine. I fell in love unintentionally, unwittingly, I didn’t ask for it.  
I went into the staircase and found number seven. I knocked on the door, and it was Merethe, Sif’s flatmate, who opened it. 

\- _Hei_ – I said, crossing the threshold. 

\- _Hei, hei._ Sif is still simpering in the bathroom, she should leave soon – she said with a smile. She was a very positive girl, I liked her. I have known her almost as long as Sif. – How have you been doing?

It was an innocent question that I had to answer with a lie. 

\- Okay, same old same old – I shrugged. – How ‘bout you?

\- Okay, thanks. I’ve been sick lately and Sif had to bring me tons of tissues but now it’s okay… - she started talking and I zoned out almost automatically. I felt that I shouldn’t be there at all; I preferred camping out in the library, as a matter of fact it was my only rescue now, the only connector to the Green-Eyed Man from the Tram. My only hope. 

I’ve never thought it is possible to fall in love at first sight; I’ve always had an impression that one has to meet that person first, that the person has to impress you somehow. But it turned out that it’s not always like that. Sometimes one glance is enough to destroy the whole foregoing reality. 

When my girlfriend finally appeared, she looked gorgeous; thick tress fell on her slim back, a red (or a different one? I’m not good with colours) jumper clung to her trim body, leaving some space for imagination. Also, she had tight-fitting jeans on that accented the shape of her legs. She looked beautiful, as always. Supposedly I knew I was a lucky man having such a beautiful girlfriend by my side, the one that I could talk about everything with (even about football!), that was accepted and liked by my parents, however…

Exactly. What was wrong? I couldn’t precise that. I probably wouldn’t have started thinking about the condition of our relationship if it hadn’t been for the Green-Eyed Man from the Tram. Or maybe I just picked holes in it, looking for an excuse for my mental infidelity? 

We kissed shortly at hello, and after a while we were already on my motorbike, Sif was holding me tightly in the waist. However, I imagined that it was somebody completely different sitting there, my imagination played tricks on me and that vision already sent pleasant shivers up and down my spine. 

We drove to our favourite Italian restaurant, it was our small tradition; it was there where we went for the first date three years ago and since then we kept coming back to try another course from the menu. Everyone there has already known us and they always lit the candles on our table. 

The first thing I did after coming into the restaurant while holding Sif by hand, was to look around; no sign of the Green Eyes. Calm and angry simultaneously (is that even possible?), I approached the waiter who showed us to the table. 

I exchanged a few non-committal sentences with Sif, whereupon we started browsing through the menu.

\- You seem to be all over the shop – she said suddenly. It sounded more worriedly then as if she wanted to fault me for something. I twitched automatically; but still, my behaviour has changed. I had to watch myself better. 

\- I had a tough week – I said, smiling at her. I felt like an absolute arsehole, lying directly to her face. I have always despised of such guys and now I have become it myself. 

I took her hand and kissed it. She had such soft and well-groomed hands. And sometimes she could do miracles with them…

I tried to wind up a little and I guess I managed because the rest of our date went smoothly in a pleasant atmosphere. Afterwards I saw her off to her block of flats. We started kissing on the stairway, just as at our first dates when we just began discovering ourselves and still couldn’t get enough of ourselves. 

Now it wasn’t any worse, just different. It was a routine that crept into our relationship, nothing stunned me any longer. Sometimes we lacked the topics of conversations. Is it really how every relationship ends?

\- I want you – she whispered, biting my earlobe. A wave of warmth went down my spine. 

\- I want you too – I gasped, kissing her neck. – But Merethe must be sleeping now…

\- So what, come on – she said, took me by the hand and led me upstairs. We ended up in bed, made love. It was okay. I couldn’t complain. Neither could Sif. From the sexual point of view, we were a very well-matched couple. 

I couldn’t stay for the night so I kissed her, dressed up and left, hoping that we didn’t wake up her flatmate. It’d already happened to us once. 

I was so sleepy. So terribly. When I jumped on my motorbike, the cold wind invigorated me a bit. I started wondering what the hell I was doing. Then I started thinking what is it like to do it with a man. Is it very different? Is it as titillating as with a girl? And what would it be like with Him. How His lips taste. I was so possessed by that thought that I couldn’t focus on anything else. 

I told myself that I won’t die if I don’t kiss Him. Just as if that kiss was to decide about me being or not being. 

When I finally arrived at my place, I went directly to bed and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I dreamt while being tormented by visions and dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

I was downcast next days; sitting for hours in the library, twitching at every sound of the doors, losing my hope that I’ll ever see Him again. 

The other times I thought that the Green-Eyed Man was only my imagination, a pure fantasy that has never had place in the reality. I doubted His existence.  


After all, He came from the fairy tale. He couldn’t be real. 

I was impatient by inclination, used to that I always had everything at once, right as if on cue – but here, I had to muster the improbable amounts of patience. I really don’t know where I derived whole the energy from, it was something strange driving me on, giving me strength just to wait _a little bit more_. Usually, if I didn’t see the effects immediately, I would just become disheartened and give up. 

But in this case, I could forget about that. I cared so much as I’ve never done before. 

And, as it turned out, my patience was worthwhile. 

It was Friday, the end of the week. The weather was changeable, once it rained, next the Sun came out from the clouds, as if the weather couldn’t decide. I went to eat something quickly after classes and, as usual, ran to Nasjonalbiblioteket. 

I opened the door and looked around. 

He was there. 

I couldn’t believe in my own happiness! I was standing at the entrance perplexed, my muscles refused to cooperate, I got a lump in my throat. I had no idea what to do. I had been waiting for that moment for such a long time and now the chips were down and I couldn’t even move. What the hell was wrong with me?

Some impatient person behind me cleared his throat, implying that I should move my arse because I was blocking the entrance. Right. I mumbled _sorry_ and went in, not taking my eyes off the Green-Eyed Man.

It was Him. For real. 

He looked even more beautiful than the first time I saw Him; at least it seemed to me so. He was wearing a black polo sweater, sitting bent over His books, making notes. Once in a while there appeared a twist on His lips, a furrow between His eyebrows. He was studying something so reverently that it felt stupid to come over and interrupt Him.

However, I wasn’t able not to leap at the chance, I had to talk to Him. I had to do something, anything. 

I slowly approached the table He was sitting at. Sure, I imagined myself that scene thousands times before. And all good lines I had – annoyingly enough – dropped out of my head. The void. I had completely no idea what I was doing. I improvised, played it by ear. And, knowing myself, it could end up tragically. 

When I moved the chair, He raised His sight and looked at me. I really thought that in that moment I’d drop dead. No-one has ever turned me on like that before, cross my heart. 

\- Free? – I choked it out. Oh God, what a tragedy. The Green-Eyed smiled at me. 

\- Yeah, please – He said. His voice, I loved His voice. And what was that accent? I couldn’t associate the prosody of His language with any other I have ever heard before. 

I sat opposite Him, not knowing what else to say. Maybe He didn’t even remember me? All in all, it was possible. Why would He bother about a guy from the tram who made everything roll on the floor and did more harm than good.

\- I’m sorry for then – I said suddenly. He looked at me questioningly. – You know, then, in the tram, your books…

\- Oh, don’t mention it – He said with little amusement. – Nothing’s happened. I already managed to forget about it. 

But I didn’t, I thought but managed to bite my tongue.

\- Can I make up for that somehow? – I asked quickly, just as if I spit those words out. 

\- But – He began with a nervous smile. – really, nothing to speak of. Let’s forget about it.

Did He really not understand that I just wanted to set up a date with Him? It could be just a friendly meeting for a beer. I had to assume that He preferred girls, in any case, I also did. But He was the only exception. I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t right to meet with the creatures from the fairy tales?

\- You weren’t on Greenland, were you? – I blurted out. Damn it, I was only supposed to think it!

\- No, why would I be? – He asked, amused. I had egg on my face. 

\- You know, the fruit you had… the source of vitamin C is necessary when you go to Greenland – I said. I wished the earth would swallow me up. 

He laughed. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. Maybe it was worth to say such a foolishness only to hear that sound. 

\- Have you really been thinking about it…? – He asked, shaking His head. Then I took a glance at His books. I guessed these were about painters too. Rubens, Rembrandt, Vermeer. I knew only the first one. – Why?

\- I really wanted to see you again – I said quickly, not even giving a thought to what I was saying. I talked nonsense. I could as well blow my brains out. I was finished. I didn’t know Him. I had no idea what His name was, who He was. And I was madly in love with Him, thought the world of Him. It was crazy, I knew it, but I couldn’t do anything to change it. 

\- You did see me – He rejoined after a second. 

\- When will I see you again-? – I asked. I couldn’t stand that uncertainty any longer. I had to ask. 

\- Surely soon – He replied in sotto voce. 

\- When – I pressured Him just like a little boy begging his parents to go with him to Legoland. 

\- How long can you wait-? – He answered with a question. 

_Whole life_ , I wanted to say. But that was a bit kitschy. And untrue. I didn’t want to tell Him things that were not true. 

\- I don’t know. Maybe five minutes – I replied. Yes, sometimes I was madcap and terribly impatient. I wanted to see Him now, then. But that wasn’t so easy. He smiled at my answer. 

\- I guess you’ll have to wait a little bit longer – He said, leaning on His forearms and bending towards me. I wanted to kiss Him so badly that I could even feel a physical pain; it was such a strong desire. But it wasn’t a place nor time for that. 

\- How long…?

\- A couple of days, I guess – He rejoined. – Each time a little bit longer.

He spoke just like a teacher, like a guru who tried to teach me patience, tested me. Yes, it was just like an exam. Maybe if I finally pass it, we’ll be able to be together? Then I could earn my spurs. That would be the sweetest prize. That would be like a win in a rollover in a lotto. No, better. A victory in life. 

I gulped. 

\- Who are you – I asked quietly. He sighed, His smile faded a bit, the shadow flicked through His face. I didn’t know if I asked about something improper. I just wanted to know. 

\- You’ll surely find it out – He mumbled. – And then, nothing will be the same anymore. You won’t want to know me any longer.

I bristled at His words. 

\- I’ll always want to know you! – I blurted out loudly so that everyone around scowled at me angrily. Yeah, I’d forget, we were still in the library. – It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done. I’ll always want to know you. And I’ll never forget you. 

\- So go and ask your father – He said and started packing His things into the bag. – Describe me to him and ask if he knows someone like that. 

I looked at Him, perplexed, unable to understand why the hell He referred to my father. What did he have in common with that? Did he know Him…? How come? I knew nothing.  
\- But how… - I began, totally flustered. He stood up and slung the bag over His shoulder. 

\- See you soon… Thor! – He said and quickly headed towards the exit, disappearing out from my sight. 

Before I managed to gather my thoughts and follow Him, it was already too late. When I ran outside the building of Nasjonalbiblioteket, He was already gone. He dissolved into thin air. 

I came back inside to take my things, still totally dazed and confused. 

How did He know my name…?

Okay, my father was a politician from the wing of currently governing party, Høyre, but he tried to save the privacy of his family and the media in Norway didn’t really write about politicians’ private lives. People rather didn’t care about it, nobody got excited about it in an unhealthy way. I didn’t receive any special treatment at the university or anywhere else just because my father was the Justice Minister. Most of the people didn’t even knew about it, sometimes they’d ask from curiosity, especially at the law faculty where I studied.

But how did He know that? Did He spy me in the Internet? Did He know me from somewhere…?

I knew nothing. And He knew about me more than I could expect. So who was He? Who was He _for me_? The mysterious green-eyed stranger who caused confusion and havoc in my calm and orderly life.


	4. Chapter 4

My mum asked me and Sif to come for Sunday dinner. I was awoken by her call Saturday morning, she said that we would have to come and there would be no excuses. Alright, I thought when I became a bit more awake, at least I’d be able to exchange a few sentences with my father about the Green-Eyed. 

My girlfriend’s reaction at that was enthusiastic, she and my mum really liked each other. We have always been laughing that if I married Sif, then at least the mother-in-law would have good contact with the daughter-in-law. I knew it was only kidding but I was also aware that my mother would like me to be Sif’s husband. I used to think that it wasn’t such a bad idea but now… everything’s changed. 

I wasn’t very productive on Saturday; first, I slept the whole week off, whereupon I went for the training and then spent the rest of the day at the computer, pretending to study. I couldn’t focus at all; but the spying of the Green-Eyed in the Internet went much better. Nevertheless, without His name, I couldn’t do much. I thought that He could be studying the fine arts because every time I had seen Him He was reading something about the painters. However, the website of the faculty was quite poorly made, same thing on Facebook. I couldn’t find any photos that would direct me to some track.

It wasn’t fair. He knew about me much more than I knew about Him. He had supremacy over me. In each and every way. Well, first thing, it was me who was in love with Him, not the opposite.

My emotions were eating me up; I didn’t know how to cope with them. I really wanted to tell someone about what had happened, get a load off my mind, start to think clearly. Maybe that person could cast light on that situation and would help me solve the mystery of the Green-Eyed Man.

The problem was that I had no-one whom I could tell without any scruples that: _hey, listen, I fell in love with a guy_. To tell it and be understood. That was the point. No-one of my friends was suited for that. So I looked for that in the Internet; as it turned out, I wasn’t alone with such a problem: many guys of different ages would suddenly fall in love with another man, while being married/having a girlfriend/children, etc. And it wasn’t like that that they hid their sexual orientation while being with a woman and lived against themselves. No. They’d just suddenly fall in love. With that one, sole guy. And then – poof! Their whole life turned upside down. 

I could have never thought that a single person could cause so much chaos in the life of another one. It’s like a revolution, it shouldn’t be like this. 

But the things are not always the way they should be. 

I arrived at the block of flats where my girlfriend lived at two o’clock and then we drove together to my parents’ apartment at Aker Brygge. I parked my motorbike and took Sif by the hand. We crossed a small bridge, passed Astrup Fearnley Museum of Modern Art and then the Oslo Bay spread out before us. There was a small "beach" nearby where my mum really liked to go when she had some free time. It was a modern and beautiful area, however, there was many prostitutes in the night also, especially ones from Eastern Europe. 

We rang the bell and then took the lift up, my parents lived on the highest floor. 

It was my father who opened the door. He smiled at us, patted my shoulder. I looked at him; he looked good. He'd lost weight, his beard was trimmed, he looked younger. I returned his smile. 

\- Come in, mum’s still busy with the last preparations – he said. In the same moment my mum ran from the kitchen to the living room, holding a hot meal in potholders. Her blonde hair was chignoned, and she was wearing a dark blue, sylphlike dress. She wiped the sweat away from her forehead and smiled at us. 

\- _Hei, hei_ – she smiled and held me, then hugged Sif. – It’s good to see you again. Sif, you look so beautiful, as always. 

\- _Takk*_ – she smiled. – You also look great.

\- Let’s have a sit – said my father with a calm but firm voice, interrupting Sif and mum talking. 

That day mum prepared fish soup, plus grilled salmon with new potatoes and salad. Father uncorked the white wine. It was nice; we talked about our studies, dad said something about his work in the ministry, there was a lot of funny anecdotes. 

\- You outdid yourself – said Sif after the main course. – It was great. 

\- Right, Frigga, it was delicious – said my father. It was quite strange to hear it, he usually never praised anyone; maybe he just geting old, I had no idea. 

There came the time for some coffee and cake after the dinner. I was still thinking how I could manage to ask my father about the Green-Eyed, if there would come such a chance. It had to be natural; I didn’t want mum or Sif to think that I conspired against them or had some secrets (although I had them, of course).

Fortunately, dad decided to do the washing up, so I pitched in. It was my opportunity; the kitchen was connected to the living room with a half wall, there were light and open spaces that dominated in such modern apartments. So I had to ask him in a sotto voce. I didn’t want any _interrogation_ by my girlfriend afterwards. 

\- Thanks, Thor – muttered my father when I helped him to put the plates into the dishwasher. 

\- Listen, recently my… - I mused over for a while, wondering how to call the Green-Eyed. He was simultaneously nobody and the whole world to me. And I didn’t even know His name. - …friend’s mate asked about you. I can’t remember His name but He has quite characteristic appearance, He has black half-long hair, green eyes. Quite tall, almost my height. Do you know someone like Him? He says you know each other.

I said it almost in a single breath, although I tried to sound naturally. 

\- Hm, no, I don’t think so – he said finally, putting the cutlery into the dishwasher. – I can’t recall anyone like that. You know, there are so many faces in my work… sometimes someone says hello to me and I don’t know how do I know this person – he said with a little smile. But I thought it was a forced smile, quite artificial one.

Could he have been lying?

Or it was the Green-Eyed Man who was lying.

All in all, none of them had a reason to do so. What was it all about? I couldn’t understand a thing. I decided to give it a miss and not continue with that topic, it could only make the situation worse. 

\- It’s okay, I was just asking – I said with a shrug. Dad kept silent for a while but soon he spoke again:

\- That mate… did He say how He knows me? – he asked carefully. So something was dogging him in that.

\- I don’t know, He didn’t tell me that – I said according to the truth. Dad only nodded. He looked as if he wanted to ask about more details but he didn’t dare. – So what-?

\- Nothing, I’m just wondering. 

After a while mum interrupted us, came to boil the water in the kettle. We talked a little over coffee, whereupon me and Sif decided to leave. I drove her back to her place, stayed only for a while because she was supposed to study with a friend. Good. I had to rethink some things. By myself.

I bought some beer cans in Vinmonopolet and came back to my place. My flatmate was in his own room. When he saw me, he posed no questions, just came to drink with me. I didn’t even want to talk in that moment; we played a movie that didn’t require a lot of thinking, _Fast and furious_. At least I managed to relax before the upcoming week and I had no idea what it would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * _Takk_ \- thanks, thank you


	5. Chapter 5

It was Monday, civil law classes, when I was told that we were not going to have classes on Wednesday, because it was some professor from London coming who was going to deliver a lecture about Scandinavian expressionism. We’d have to make these classes up…

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard that. Maybe He would be there? Surely, one hundred percent. But maybe He is going to have classes then. But He will certainly come to such a lecture. Maybe He will also have His classes cancelled because of that. 

The very thought that I’d be able to see Him again possessed me so much that I wasn’t able to think about anything else. I was like switched-on for the rest of the day and started counting days to Wednesday, just like I used to do before my birthday when I was little and couldn’t wait for that special day.

And now I was waiting for a meeting with a guy whose name I still didn’t know.

\- You look as if you were in love – my flatmate laughed at me only when he saw me. I was astonished; was it really so visible? When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognise the face of that young man. I have never seen him before. His blue eyes were shining with excitement and joy, he had blushes on his cheeks as if he had just run a marathon, and there was a smile from ear to ear on his lips. Where did he come from?

I noticed that I stopped experiencing any intermediate states; now everything hung around the Green-Eyed. When I didn’t see Him, I was downcast and it was only about surviving. Pretending to be happy in front of everyone was tough and I had no idea how much longer I’d be able to go on like this. But on the other hand, when I finally could see Him, I was so happy. Since our – for the time being – two meetings, I analysed everything He’d done or said, I thought about His every word. It was driving me into obsession, I was waiting on tenterhooks for the next meeting and I couldn’t be sure that it would even happen.

I fell in love. And it wasn’t a small infatuation but one of those bigger ones, those which, according to the sociologists, happen from three to four times in a lifetime. And this one was probably the biggest because everything in it was new.

When Wednesday came, I was up already at six a.m. I went running around the Hakkloa lake to make use of the energy bursting inside of me. 

I left the flat even before my flatmate woke up.

The lecture was supposed to begin at one o’clock, I had two classes in criminal law before it. I couldn’t concentrate at all; my thoughts were already with the Green-Eyed, I was wondering how He’d look, if He’d changed, what He was doing for the whole time we hadn’t seen each other. If only He comes. But He had to. I didn’t provide for any other option.

It was one of the biggest halls on the whole university. I was much earlier there than I should have been but I wanted to give myself some time to watch the incoming people and not to miss the one I was expecting.

People slowly gathered before the hall, talked to one another, laughed. I had an improvisational book lying on my lap, so that no-one would think that I was only sitting and observing everyone around. Finally someone opened the hall and the students started taking best places, cramming in. I was in no hurry. I was waiting. I caught myself that I checked the hour on my watch every second. 

What if He doesn’t come, I thought. He could as well be lying in a hospital or be abroad, He could be anywhere. De facto, I knew nothing. That uncertainty was driving me mad.

It was five to one, I was wondering if to go inside or go away. I was angry and heartbroken, sure that He wouldn’t appear.

But He astonished me as usual.

He appeared two to one, heading towards the hall in a quick pace. His hair windblown, dishevelled. He had the same leather jacket He’d worn the day we met in the tram.

I felt I had a lump in my throat when I saw Him; He stopped, a bit amused and I guess also a bit confused. He brushed His unruly hair away from the forehead, I slowly rose from the bench I was sitting on, not taking my eyes off Him.

It was four days since I last saw Him. It was three days the last time. A bit longer every time, just like He said.

\- You’ve been waiting for me – he said. It was a statement, not a question. He knew it. 

\- I thought you wouldn’t come – I said in a sotto voce, whereupon He opened the door and we went into the hall. Fortunately, the lecture didn’t start yet so we didn’t attract any attention. 

\- Some issues came up on the way – He said in a mysterious way.

He took a seat in the fourth row, I sat next to Him. I was like a damned stalker but I didn’t care; as long as He didn’t have enough of me, I wasn’t going to let Him go. Not when I could finally be by His side for an hour and a half. It was more than two last meetings taken together. 

I watched as He took the notebook out of His pack. I looked at His handwriting; neat, small letters bent to the right, big flourishes. Comparing to me, He caligraphed and I wrote in hieroglyphs. 

\- I talked to my dad – I blurted out suddenly. He only took a glance at me. 

\- Can we talk about it after the lecture? – He asked kindly, sure, no problem, I nodded and didn’t say a word for the next hour and a half. I was watching Him the whole time; He was so close and I couldn’t even touch Him. It was like suffering tantalizing torments. To be so close and not be able to do anything. However, I waited patiently for the lecture to end so that we could talk again, at least for a while. Every meeting fed up my fixation about the Green-Eyed. 

He meticulously wrote everything down what the professor said. He was keenly interested in that. At the end, when the public was supposed to ask questions, He posed one about Munch and the professor praised Him for _a good question_. I was so proud of Him, I was happy as He was. And I really wanted to tell Him that.

After the ovation, people slowly began to leave the hall. I waited for Him, we slowly walked at the very end. Now I was in no hurry, I wanted the moments with Him to last forever. I wanted to be the part of His life, be with Him all the time, be invited to His house, meet His parents, hang out with His friends, go for holidays with Him, take Him to my place…

There was nothing between us, but I was madly in love with Him. And I still hoped for a turn that would change everything.

\- Interesting lecture – He said when we walked downstairs, towards the exit of the building. – I really liked it.

\- Do you study art? – I asked. I had to. So many questions wanted to come out of my mouth.

\- Yeah – He answered. – and you study law, don’t you?

He astonished me again. He knew so much about me and I knew nothing about Him.

\- How do you know?

\- I have my own sources – He smiled wickedly, I liked that.

\- What’s your name – I asked, but it rather must have sounded like an order. I was exasperated. I didn’t really control myself.

\- _Loki_ – He answered. I tasted His name in my thoughts. Loki. Just like the Nordic god of mischief. It suited Him. I liked it. 

\- _Loki_ – I repeated after Him. – who are you?

\- You said you’d asked your father – He said, changing the topic. – What did he tell you?

\- He says he doesn’t know you – I said. – And how do you…

We were walking towards the tram stop when suddenly He stopped. I looked at Him, my heart was hammering like crazy.

\- We should have never met – He said in a firm voice, looking me in the eyes. I couldn’t stand that tense, it was unendurable. Fingers at my right hand budged. My whole body wanted Him so much, my mind – it was the only thing that rescued the situation, trying to harness that throng of emotions and urges. 

\- Why – I rasped, had a desert in my throat. – I am so glad I’ve met you, Loki.

He averted His face, looked to the side. Then looked at me again.

\- You don’t understand a thing – He whispered so quietly I could barely hear Him.

\- So explain this to me.

He shook His head.

\- I can’t. I don’t want to – He said. I could see a suffering in His green eyes. The same eyes that tormented me every night in my dreams. I touched His forearm, I barely nicked Him. He looked at me but didn’t react. – Your father knows. But he will never confess that.

\- I don’t understand – I groaned. – Loki. You don’t even know...

\- I do know – He interrupted me, shifted from one foot to the other. We kept silent for a while, my breath shallow, short. Did He know? When did He find out? – Thor, it’s not as easy as you may think. 

\- Let me touch you – I said with a faltering voice. I was desperate. I needed and wanted Him desperately.

\- I think it’ll only make the matters worse – He stated. All in all, quite right. I winded up every second more. I wanted it all. I wanted Him. Whole. For me. 

\- Please – I groaned. I was like a child in that moment, begging for some care and attention. It was Him who called the shots. And I could only be subservient to Him.

After a longer while that seemed a lifetime to me, He took me by the hand. I held my breath when I felt His cold, slim fingers on my palm. I squeezed it delicately, then took it to my lips and kissed His knuckles. It was so damn addictive. In my head my thoughts were trying to outshout one another, ‘cause what the hell I was doing and what on earth I was thinking, I was a cheap arsehole, Sif still had no idea about everything. 

He looked at me with an inscrutable look. After a while He whipped His hand, took it away from me.

\- That’s enough – He said in a firm but quiet voice. I looked at Him the way as if He’d at least just called me names and slapped me in the face. But it just felt this way. I tried to get hold of His hand again but He moved away. – I need to go. See you soon, Thor.

\- When will we see each other again-? – I asked in almost a despairing voice. He took a glance at the tram stop, as if He made sure He’d make it on time.

\- Next Saturday, eight o’clock, Vulkan club – He said it on one breath. – I’ll be there. If you want to, we can meet there. 

Before I could even say anything, digest the information, He already turned on His heel and quickly headed towards the stop. I watched His slim back disappear behind the door of the tram, as it drove away. I didn’t want to follow Him this time, I knew He’d get angry with me and it was something I couldn’t let happen.


	6. Chapter 6

I had to do something with my life. I acted on two fronts and it was unfair. It made me feel tired. 

I got backlogged on my studies and master’s thesis because of the whole situation; I hadn’t touched my thesis for a month. But whenever I opened the document on my laptop, such powerlessness and weakness overwhelmed me that I couldn’t even write one word. 

The only productive actions I did until the end of the week were my trainings and spying on Loki on the Internet. There wasn’t much information about Him. He didn’t have many accounts on social media. I only found out that His full name was Loki Laufeyson and He came from Reykjavik, Iceland. Iceland! It was where His accent was from, the one I couldn’t recognise; never before had I had anything in common with an Icelander, there was some of them on the UiO, but I’d never had contact with them. Now I really regretted that.

What’s more, He was two years younger than me, didn’t have any photo on Facebook, only some likes, including some painters and some independent performers from Iceland, Faroe Islands, Finland and the whole of Scandinavia. I began thoroughly listening to the music He liked and I had to admit that I liked it; it was very atmospheric, nostalgic once in a while, repeatedly also very dramatic. Especially the band that was supposed to play the next Saturday, Sólstafir. It was supposed to be metal that I wasn’t a big fan of but two last albums were mostly perfect, there were ballads accompanied by heavy guitar riffs. I liked that.

Suddenly I got into the mood to learn Icelandic. I’d really surprise Loki the next time if I said something in His mother tongue, I thought, besides, it was good to understand what the band would be singing about before I went to the concert. And this is how I spent almost thousand crowns for the books of Icelandic, a dictionary and a phrasebook. I knew I should have hit myself in the head to get Loki out of it but I couldn’t, I didn’t want any detox. I still wanted to feed my obsession, my addiction.

I had to survive somehow these ten days without Him. In fact, I lived from one meeting to another one, as if in between it was only about survival.

It was impossible to live like that, in a vacuum; I knew it perfectly well. However, I still had no idea what to do with it. Break up with Sif? Say: _sorry but I don’t love you anymore_ , that would be unfair to her, to everything that had connected us and what we had been through as a couple. I knew that eventually I’d have that serious conversation, that she’d call me all the names under the sun and maybe even slap me. But I had to admit liability, be a man and tell her what I felt, face to face. That would be fair. I couldn’t deceive her any longer.

I decided to do it as quickly as possible, not to delay it forever, cause that would make no sense. I wrote to her on Thursday that I had to tell her something important and if we could meet. She wrote back that obviously we can but only on Sunday because she’s busy. I agreed. We set the meeting in a club for the evening. So I still had some time to rethink it all again.

It wasn’t easy. I had completely no idea how to give utterance to it all and not to hurt her too much. Delicately.

_Herregud*_ , I thought, she was supposed to be my wife in the near future. All my plans came unstuck within a month. No, basically, it was that one red-letter day on Frogner Plass.

So, that Sunday, when she appeared in the settled place, I was already waiting for her. She had a messy bun on the top of her head, she wore a Norwegian sweater with elk patterns. 

\- Would you like to drink anything? – I asked, drinking tea with rum, trying to hold my nerve.

\- I understand that what you’re going to tell me is serious so yeah, get me a Tuborg – she said firmly. Tuborg, hard Danish beer. I liked it, Sif usually said it was disgusting, it tasted bitter. But it was easy to get drunk with it. 

When the waiter brought the beer, I cleaned my throat, I had no idea what to begin with. Once again everything I had had prepared in my head, evaporated, was wiped. My own brain played tricks on me in the most inappropriate moments. 

\- I’d like to… I need to say sorry first. You need to know it wasn’t your fault but purely and simply mine – I said, trying to avoid her eyes. Her eyes, I saw so many ambivalent emotions in them, I saw anger, suffering, sadness. The fact that it was me who’d evoked all these negative emotions was unbearable. – You were and you are wonderful but I could’ve never really appreciated that…

\- Stop beating around the bush and tell what the hell you want – she blew a raspberry, took a draught of beer. 

\- I fell in love – I said it in one single breath. – I fell in love with someone else. I’m so sorry.

I saw the tears gathering in her eyes, I saw her blinking to stop them from flowing down her cheeks. What on earth have I done.

\- How could you – she whispered. – We’ve been through so many things and now some whore swept you off your feet. 

I couldn’t undeceive Sif that the person I’d fallen for was a man, I was afraid that she would spread it to the others and it was my biggest secret, after all.

\- Sif, I… - I began but she interrupted me.

\- I don’t want to listen to your pathetic explanations. Shut up, I don’t want to. You’re pathetic, you’re just like any other guy – she said and the tears of anger and helplessness ran down her cheeks. She wiped them away from them with a nervous gesture. – You’ll regret it – she added, raising from her seat. She took her things and quickly headed towards the exit. For a second I wanted to chase her but I gave up that idea, I could only make the matters worse. I couldn’t do anything else. 

I ordered whisky with coke, I wanted to forget about what just happened. Sure, I knew I’d regret that, I already did. But I confirmed myself in the opinion that it had to be, sooner or later. My feelings towards Loki were simply too strong and it was what destroyed my relationship with Sif. I just couldn’t live in discordance with myself and deceive her in the meantime. 

After a second I heard the sound of a message. Sif: _dick_. She was right. I acted like an irresponsible arsehole but I had no choice. The only thing that excused me was my sudden and unexpected love towards Loki. I would never forget myself an infidelity that was only about sex, but this one was acceptable. Especially that there was basically nothing between me and Loki. Basically because since the last time I wasn’t so sure. There was a bigger and bigger hope smouldering in my heart.

I ordered one more whisky, whereupon I came back to my flat, already a bit tipsy. I fell asleep instantly when my head hit the pillow. It wasn’t a calm dream, though, I rolled over and woke up several times during that one, tormented by nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Herregud_ \- Oh my God


	7. Chapter 7

I was downcast until Friday; I must have looked terrible, I didn’t sleep most of the nights but slept during the classes. Even the promoter of my thesis stopped chasing me only when he saw me. I explained him that I had some private problems and as soon as they’re finished I promised him to give him the next chapter to correct.

\- Take it easy, don’t hurry – he said to me, showing a lot of empathy. I thanked him warmly, whereupon I left the university building. I decided to have a walk, just for health. I didn’t want to cram in the tram.

I walked through Youngstorget, bought some things for a dinner. I didn’t really want to cook but I knew that it would become easier if I forced myself to. I couldn’t grieve over Sif any longer, I had to stop eating my heart out but it wasn’t that easy. I had nobody, there was no her nor Loki.

And then – all of a sudden – He appeared as if I called Him with my thoughts. I noticed Him at the stall with fruit, scrupulously picking up the oranges, grapefruits and bananas. He watched every each fruit, smelled it and put into the paper bag or put it aside. I was looking at that phenomenon as if hypnotised; an overwhelming paralyse, I wasn’t able to move. This time He was wearing a black coat and blue jeans. I watched but decided not to do anything; we were to meet only the next day, on the concert. The fact that I managed to meet Him earlier was a twist of fate, I couldn’t call it different way.

Why did He need these fruit again, I was wondering. Maybe He followed a sensible diet, contrary to me, I didn’t know. Or maybe He was a fruitarian? So many different scenarios came to my head but none of them sounded convincingly enough.

Loki paid with a hundred-crown banknote, got the change, whereupon He headed in the opposite direction with His typical rapid movements. It wasn’t fair but I decided to follow Him. At least for a while. Loki was a mystery. _Leyndarmál_ in Icelandic. I had a lot of problems with the new language but I’d managed to learn a couple of useful words or phrases, some caught from the songs. 

Unfortunately, after a second Loki mounted His bike that was standing outside the market. He put the fruit into the basket, then drove towards Storgata street. My eyes followed Him as long as He disappeared out of my sight.

***

I had never been in Vulkan before. It looked quite modern from the outside, I liked it, even though the whole Grünerløkka district didn’t belong to the best of districts in Oslo. I was much too early there, a couple of minutes after seven. The club was opened only in a half an hour but I didn’t want to miss Loki arriving.

It was the first snow falling that day; it was the beginning of November, so it was quite normal for that time of the year. It was Christmas soon, then New Year’s Eve, time of changes. It was astonishing that my life began changing at the end of the current year. Maybe it’s good, I thought, I could start Anno Domini 2015 with a clean slate. 

I was waiting, going in circles, trying to warm myself up, I put the hands in my pockets. Soon later the first fans of the band started to arrive, dressed in black T-shirts and bovver shoes. 

\- D’you have a lighter? – I heard suddenly. A girl in Sólstafir T-shirt approached me, keeping a cigarette in her mouth. I excused myself, I didn’t have it, I rather didn’t smoke, unless it was weed. It happened to me from time to time. 

Loki appeared twenty-five past seven, He must have known what was the exact time of gates opening.

I couldn’t hold a smile while seeing Him. It was automatic, unstudied. Because every time I saw Him, everything in me relished, every feeling cell in my body was full of joy. And my heart rate sped up but it’s a different story.

He was wearing the same black coat as the previous day, plus a scarf slung carelessly on His neck. He had flushes on His cheeks, probably because of cold. He looked beautiful.

\- _Hei_ – He said. 

\- _*Sæll_ – I said, perplexing Him completely. His eyebrows went up to the line of His hair, a smile appeared on His lips. 

\- _**Talar þú íslensku núna?_ – He asked. I didn’t really understand what He said and the expression of being lost probably appeared on my face because Loki just burst out with laughter. – I didn’t expect us to talk Icelandic. I see that you’ve found out where I come from.

\- Yeah – I nodded. That joy that I’d managed to make Him laugh, I was so incredibly proud of myself. – I just began learning, the language is quite complicated.

\- I can give you a free tutorial one day – He said and I immediately turned on that thought. However, I’d probably not learn a thing, being more focused on a teacher than learning itself. 

The gates of the club opened and we were let in. We had our tickets checked, then we left our things in the cloakroom. Loki also had the band’s T-shirt, black one with white writing. We walked over the merchandise stall. 

\- I already have everything – said Loki with a smile.

\- As I assume it’s not your first concert of them? – I asked and decided to buy myself two last albums, I liked them very much.

\- No, I guess it’s seventh – He said. – But I’ve already lost count. I know them almost from the very beginning, when they were still playing very heavy. I didn’t like them then that much. But _Svartir Sandar_ and _Ótta_ are so much different.

\- Yeah, the two last are the best – I chimed in. – Especially… wait, the title song on every album and, erm, _Fjara_ and _Lágnætti_ , am I saying it right?  
Loki laughed again.

\- You have a terrible accent!

_Fjara_. I loved the lyrics of the song too. Every time I heard it, I thought about Loki. One of the verses goes like: _Eins og leyndarmálin þín_ , what means _just like your secrets_. The man I loved was still a big mystery to me. 

We took the place at the barriers and waited for the show to begin. I bought myself a beer, asked Loki if He wanted one too but He didn’t.

\- I saw you yesterday on Youngstorget – I said suddenly. Loki didn’t even budge.

\- Did you follow me? – He asked, not even looking at me. One of the members of the band came onto the stage, tuned His guitar. Loki waved to him, they exchanged a few sentences in Icelandic, which I obviously didn’t understand. I was impressed, I had no idea they knew each other so well. – It’s Sæþór. I know him best, we met a couple of times for a beer in Reykjavik. 

I smiled, picturing an image of a teenage Loki drinking beer with a heavy metal band. It must have been interesting.

\- I didn’t follow you – I said. – I just came to buy some food. 

\- But you didn’t speak to me – He said and finally turned His face to me. – Why? 

\- I don’t know – I was puzzled. – Generally I thought you’d be mad at me. We were to meet today after all. 

\- Why would I be mad? – He smiled. I could smell His fragrance from that proximity; He smelled turpentine. I saw a fresh mark of a green paint on His earlobe. He must have been painting before He came here. – No, come on. You can talk to me when you see me, it’s nothing, after all. 

Finally the support went onto the stage, some local band. They weren’t so bad, I could even listen to it. They left after half an hour, making room for the headliner. 

Sólstafir kicked off with my favourite _Lágnætti_ , then smoothly jumped to the title’s song _Ótta_. I didn’t know every song from the title yet, only from listening the album a couple of times. However, it was wonderful to listen to them live, the songs had more power, they sounded even better. Loki sang along with the vocalist, He knew all the lyrics by heart. He closed His eyes at some longer instrumental moments and only shook His head to the music, hypnotised. Watching Him then was a pleasure. 

Suddenly the vocalist stood up at the barriers and sang, looking Loki in the eyes, but He wasn’t embarrassed, He sang along. I even felt jealous. 

However, later on, at the second part of _Svartir Sandar_ song, I managed to put my arm around Loki’s waist. He didn’t react, He didn’t even budge so I let myself stand like that for a while. He looked at me only at the end of the song, as if asking me a question, what the hell I was doing. 

The concert ended with the song _Goddess of the Ages_ , dedicated to all the ladies in the room. It was great, I really loved it. I said it to Loki, He smiled. 

\- Let’s stay a while – He asked. – The guys will leave the backstage in a second, I’d like to talk to them. 

I agreed without any hesitation. Every moment spent with Loki was at a premium so I decided to benefit. So what that I was not to understand a word from His conversation with the band? The only listening to His voice and His mother tongue was a music to my ears. 

It was the vocalist who came as first, keeping a cigarette in his lips. He gave the autographs lazily, he warmed up only when he saw Loki. I understood only their greeting, whereupon I started listening to an incomprehensible (but, nevertheless, beautiful) blend of clusters and preaspiration. After a while it was the guitarist Sæþór who came and Loki exchanged a few words with him. Then He introduced me. 

\- _***Þetta er vinurinn minn, Thor_ – He said. The guitarist said hello, we chatted for a while in English. Loki exchanged a few sentences with two other musicians and then decided it was time to go. We took our things from the cloakroom and went outside, whole sweaty, and it was cold there, around minus two Celsius degrees, and it started snowing heavily. 

\- I’m glad you came with me – Loki said after a while. – It was so nice. 

\- We’ll have to repeat it one day – I said. 

\- They should come back in a year – He nodded. – We can come then. If I will still be there, in Oslo. 

I froze up after having heard the last sentence. What was that supposed to mean? 

\- What does it mean? – I asked quietly. – Why wouldn’t you be there? 

We were slowly walking towards the tram stop. When Loki stopped, I also did. 

\- Thor, how long can you wait? 

\- That question again – I groaned. 

\- It’s very important. It’s essential. How long can you wait? 

\- How long do I _have to_ wait…? 

\- Half a year. 

It was like a cheap shot. His words knocked me out, crashed me. 

\- Half a year…? – my voice started cracking. – Why so long? 

\- Because it’s just as long as you have to wait – He said. I fixed my eyes into the ground. Half a year, six months, over one hundred eighty days. My brain didn’t comprehend it, it didn’t want to. 

\- Does it mean that after these six months – I choked it out finally. – we will finally be together? 

I looked at Him in anticipation; this time it was Him keeping silent for a longer while. 

\- It depends – He began carefully. – if you’ll still want it or not. 

\- I will – I said in a firm voice. Loki shook His head. 

\- Don’t be so sure – He warned. – You still have no idea of who I am. We cannot discuss it until you know. 

\- So tell me – I pressured, shifted from one foot to the other. 

\- No. If you want to know, go and ask your father. And when you finally find it out, and you’ll still be eager to talk to me, we can meet. And then we can see how it develops – He said. His words poured some hope into my aching heart. He wanted me too, He felt attracted to me but He’d drawn an impassable border. The border that I wanted to cross so much. 

\- I think I love you – I blurted out. Loki shrank. 

\- I know – He mumbled with His eyes fixed into the ground. – And it should have never happened. 

I didn’t really bother His words; I just pulled Him to me and kissed Him. Delicately, non-aggressively. At first, He was quite wooden, a bit like a mannequin, but He lightened after a second, grabbed my arms, returned the kiss. His lips, I couldn’t even think they’d taste so wonderful. An explosion of thoughts and emotions in my head, an uncontrollable wave. I began to be emotionally charged, pulled Him closer, deepened the kiss but then He started tearing loose, I had to let Him go, however, I didn’t really want to; I wanted that moment to last forever. 

When I finally let Him go, I thought that He’d hit me, or just slap me in the face. I wasn’t sorry for what I’ve done; it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. 

He looked at me, so many contrary feelings on His face. His lips formed a thin line, He bit His lower lip and put the scarf around His neck tighter. 

\- See you… Thor – He just said and quickly headed towards the tram stop. As my eyes followed Him, I felt the lump in my throat growing. 

I was so afraid that I’d never see Him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Sæll_ \- Hello in Icelandic (used to greet a male)  
>  _**Talar þú íslensku núna?_ \- Do you speak Icelandic now?  
>  _***Þetta er vinurinn minn, Thor_ \- That's my friend, Thor
> 
> Also, songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8n8Uy5KmvU (Lágnætti)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6j7mUxGz20 (Fjara)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOVmXsL05Xw (Ótta)


	8. Chapter 8

Time became my enemy; suddenly it started flowing so mercilessly slowly, making every second a minute, every minute an hour and every hour a day.

I started falling apart. Everything got out of my hands.

I started gadding about the places where I’d met Loki with hope of meeting Him again. But every time the void was the only thing I saw. Eventually, one cold day I decided to go to Kunsthøgskolen (the Art Academy) where Loki studied. I had never been there before but I found the right way without any problems.

I was waiting a couple of hours in front of the building. I was freezing patiently. But He didn’t appear.

It was four p.m. when I saw a petite girl with a big art portfolio slung on her shoulder, I knew it must have been someone from His faculty. I walked over to her. I guess I terrified her a bit because she made a step backward.

\- Excuse me, do you study painting? – I asked. She nodded uncertainly. – I am looking for… a friend. His name is Loki Laufeyson and He also studies painting. Do you know where He is-?

Only then she smiled. The familiar name rang a bell.

\- Loki? Oh no, he’s gone now – she said. I was all ears. – He’s gone for a semiyearly research fellowship, lucky one. He did well.

My heart started racing faster.

\- Don’t you know where He is gone…? – I asked.

\- It was a studentship to London – she answered. Yes! I didn’t have to know anything more. – But why do you…

\- Thank you very much! – I said, turning on my heel, and quickly returned to my flat. The Internet turned out to be a wonderful tool once again; of course, I found the right information I was looking for. Loki Laufeyson, semiyearly studentship to Royal Academy of Arts in London. I got Him.

I entered the website of flight departures from Oslo Gardermoen, whereupon I started booking a first flight to London that was shown on the list. I behaved like a madman. I got back to reason after a while; I couldn’t do it. Not yet. Loki set the exact rules – when I found out who He is, we’d be able to meet. And we’d see how it’d develop.

I cancelled the reservation, started wondering. I had to do something, I had to meet with my father. However, I had no idea how to pressure him so that he’d tell me everything. Or maybe I should have searched the files in his computer? That would take me a huge amount of time but, on the other hand, it could be worth it.

I could never think I’d ever hit on such an idea. But I was hard-pressed and frustrated. I wanted to see Loki as quickly as possible but firstly I had to find everything out.

***

It was two weeks after the concert when I got an unexpected letter. After Roman law classes I went to the office of the faculty to leave the next chapter of my master thesis in my promoter’s pigeonhole, when the secretary told me that she had something for me.

\- What’s that? – I wondered as the eyebrows went up to the line of my hair.

The secretary started browsing through the piles of documents on her desk, whereupon she handed me an envelope. It was addressed to me. But there was no sender. But… that handwriting. I knew it perfectly well: bent to the right, small letters, big flourishes. Loki. My heart started hammering faster.

\- It came to you yesterday – she said.

\- Thank you so much! – I said and almost dashed out of the room. I got the letter from Loki, it ran through my head. I wanted to open it as quick as possible and see what was inside but I decided to do it in proper conditions: in peace and quiet. So I had to get back to my flat.

I slid the letter into a weighty book from the criminal law so that it wouldn’t crumple, whereupon I dashed towards the tram stop. Nationaltheatret. This is where everything started, it flicked through my mind.

I was thinking about the mysterious letter through the whole ride; it was quite thick, what could be inside? I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice a ticket inspector. I came to life only when he approached and addressed directly to me. I showed him my ticket, angry that he’d interrupted my contemplation.

I was aching to open it and read it now, then. Only when I got out on the right stop, did I dash hurriedly towards my flat. I knew that my flatmate wasn’t home yet so I had whole flat for myself, just as I wanted to. 

I took the letter out, plumped the bag down on the floor and sat at the kitchen table. I delicately split the envelope open, trying not to damage it, and pulled out the whole content.

A postcard. And a photograph of some woman. I was perplexed for a while.

There was the British parliament with Big Ben and river Thames. Only after a while did I realize that the postcard was painted by Loki Himself! It still smelled turpentine, I could see every brushstroke. Oh God. I had never seen any of His works before, it was an exhilarating experience for me. Just as if He shared a piece of Himself with me. 

I turned the postcard. There was only one sentence on the back: _Can you wait a little bit longer?_

Of course I can, I thought. After a second I took a look at the photograph of a beautiful, young woman holding a baby in her arms. She was sitting on the sofa, smiling. She had a pale skin and long black hair fell on her slightly-built shoulders. She was looking at her baby with tenderness. She wore no make-up, she was beautiful naturally. She was wearing jeans and a sweater with elk patterns. As she was looking at the baby, I couldn’t tell the colour of her eyes.

It was only after a while when I realised it was little Loki and His mother. It was an unusual photograph. One doesn’t show the photos from the childhood to everyone, does it? Usually they belong to that private and intimate part of our lives. Sometimes we’re ashamed of them but still like to look at them when we become older and more nostalgic. They evoke good emotions, a desire to go back to those carefree moments. Because only good moments are perpetuated on photographs.

I started wondering why Loki had sent me this photograph. I found the answer on the back: _Show this photo to your father._ And that was it. Could my father know Loki’s mother? I still couldn’t understand a thing from that and had no idea how to approach my stubborn father so that he’d tell me everything. He could be so bullet-headed sometimes. I, unfortunately, had it after him.

I had to hurry up. I wanted to see Loki again as quick as possible, feel what I felt then when we kissed; I still shivered at the very thought of it.

I decided to meet with my dad on the weekend. I knew my mum was going to Bergen then, so I didn’t have to worry I’d engage her in something that was none of her business. I expected that what I was going to hear would be intended only for me.


	9. Chapter 9

Never before had I googled my father. It was weird. I thought I’d knew about everything I’d find on the Internet. That there would be no secrets. We were a family after all, weren’t we?

Unfortunately, things were not like that. When I wrote _Odin Borson_ in the spider, I found out more about my father than I did through all those twenty years together as a family; it turned out that he was enmeshed in a scam with some big pharmaceutical enterprise, which was all about money laundering. It was in the eighties, when he probably didn’t know my mum yet, but certainly was married to a woman he had my half-brother, Vale, with. I knew about it, it was no secret. I even met Vale but we didn’t really keep in contact.

Nevertheless, the most astonishing thing was that my father was an ambassador of Iceland in the nineties. I was confused because back then I was already born and my mum was his wife. I couldn’t remember it, though, because he returned to Norway when I was three and then he got a post in the ministry but still…

… _Iceland_. That was the point. Never had I heard my dad speaking Icelandic or even mentioning anything about it at home. Mum didn’t speak about it either. Just as if it was taboo.

Iceland. Loki was from Iceland. I found a foothold but still didn’t get what it was all about. What happened twenty years ago on that island so that nobody ever spoke about it.  


I thought it was high time to turn the old days up and take the truth into the light.

It was Saturday evening when I arrived at Aker Brygge. I was nervous but didn’t want to give any acknowledgement about it. I walked into the lift that took me to the highest floor, and then I knocked on the door.

Dad opened the door, talking to someone on the phone. He let me in, continuing his conversation. He laughed. It was a rarely heard sound, I could count the times when I heard him laughing on the fingers of one hand.

Only after a while did I realise that he was actually talking in Icelandic. I shrugged. What an oddity, a twist of fate. Not even once through all those twenty five years did I hear him saying one word in that language, when suddenly I caught him talking in it fluently through the phone. I was shocked. 

I took the beer out of the fridge, waiting for my father to finish the conversation. When he put his BlackBerry aside, he took a look at me. 

\- _Hei_. Sorry, my old friend called me – he said with a smile. When he saw that I stared at him expectantly and questioningly, he frowned. – What’s the matter-?

\- You’ve never said you speak Icelandic – I said, taking a seat on the settee. Dad shrugged his shoulders.

\- No? Hm. Maybe not. You’ve never been interested in it either – he replied. And was right.

\- Probably yes – I sighed. – You used to be the ambassador of Iceland, huh? – I started. Dad sat down next to me, checked something on the phone again. My question didn’t evoke any emotions on his face, he was as easygoing as he was all this time.

\- Yeah, I used to be – he said calmly. – For about three years. But it’s a history now – he looked at me. – Why are you even asking about it? You had some urgent issue to me, didn’t you?

I took a gulp of beer to give myself some courage. I still wasn’t sure who was the one winding me up: Loki or my father. If I was going to come over as a stupid sap, my father was never going to speak to me again. His trust wasn’t easy to regain.

\- This issue concerns it – I began slowly. – What happened twenty three years ago on Iceland?

Dad looked at me questioningly.

\- And what was supposed to happen? – he was confused. He was so convincing that I almost believed him. However, I couldn’t forget that he was still a politician. And he could play very well. – Thor, you’re being strange. Tell me what it’s all about and don’t bother me with stupid questions. Why did you come up with it so suddenly…?

Then it was the time for some _heavy artillery_. I pulled out the photo of Loki and his mother from the pocket of my shirt and handed it to him.

Only then did I see his face changing, I saw real emotions on it; he clenched his teeth, turned pale. I heard him holding his breath for a while. When he took the photo in his hands, I saw them shaking. Checkmate, I thought. I got him.

\- Do you know this woman, father? – I asked in sotto voce. He kept silent for a longer while, just staring at the photograph.

\- Where did you get it? – he choked it out finally, not taking his eyes off the photo.

\- Tell me – I said, trying to sound both firm but calm. – Do you know her?

\- Yes, I do – he replied after a while. My heart started hammering faster. – Where did you get it?

\- I got it from someone – I said, when dad turned the photograph and saw that Loki’d written. He looked as if he had just seen a ghost. His hands got sweaty, he wiped them on his jeans. 

\- Loki – he said, answering his own question. I shivered when I heard that name.

\- Do you know Him…? – I asked quietly. My hand budged nervously, I was so close to the truth.

\- Thor – he began in a serious tone of voice. – you have to promise that what I’ll tell you, will never leave this room. It needs to stay between us. Do you understand? – he looked me in the eyes. I used to be so frightened of that look as a child. And now it was my father who was afraid. I’d never thought it would come to this.

\- Yes, I understand – I nodded. Dad took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a second. When he started talking, he stared vacantly in space. And I was all ears.


	10. Chapter 10

The woman you can see in the picture… is already dead. She died over year ago, leukaemia. I know she became ill suddenly. She fought but had no chance. The illness finished her off in the blink of an eye. 

Her name was… is Laufey. I met her in Reykjavik. It was love at first sight.

I went to the Blue Lagoon along with some of my co-workers, around forty kilometers from the capital city. _Bláa Lónið_ is an unforgettable place. Just imagine that it’s the middle of winter and several dozen people are swimming in a turquoise water. And it was her amongst them. Raven-haired Laufey. She was there with her friends. 

When she noticed me, it was just like a lightning. I went crazy for her. At once. I knew I wanted only her.

I followed her. I knew it wasn’t fair but I had to find out something about her. So, her name was Laufey, she studied literature and languages at Háskoli Íslands, she was twenty one years old. Back then I was thirty three. It was a twelve-year age gap between us but it didn’t seem to be any kind of an obstacle for me. 

The day we met on a fundraiser, everything changed.

We danced together through the whole night. Up to six a.m. We were exhausted but still swayed to the calm, romantic songs. And she in my arms, cuddled to me. It was such a beautiful moment.

Our stormy affair began that day. She knew perfectly well, just as everyone else did, that I had a wife and a child, you, Thor, back in Oslo. She wanted me to stay on Iceland forever. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay in Reykjavik for eternity; as the ambassador, I could spend there maximum four years. It was my last year there. 

We fought and we reconciled. We toured round the whole island, walked on _Svartir Sandar_ , walked over to _Katla_ volcano, saw a beautiful national park _Thingvellir_ , went to _Geysir_ , full geysers, just as the name says it, saw all those magnificent waterfalls, along with the most beautiful one, _Skogafoss_ … and I was more and more in love with her and more and more sick at heart. I didn’t want to leave that gorgeous woman and that wonderful place. It was my dream idyll. 

But every bucolic has to end.

One day, it was on February the twentieth, I can remember it, Laufey told me she was pregnant. It wasn’t a lie; that was the truth. I was perplexed but happy in the same time – I wanted to stay with her even more. Bring up our child together with her. But I couldn’t. It was high time to come back to Norway.

I told her that. We were at each other’s throats. She didn’t want to see me again. She ran out of my flat, slamming the door. I can remember it perfectly well. Her face, distorted by pain. I can never ever forget that look in her eyes. 

And then, a few days later, it happened; I got a registered letter from a divisional court. I was accused of having raped Laufey.

I was angry and furious – how could she do this to me?! It was her vengeance. Hurt and betrayed, she would stop at nothing. I couldn’t let that information seep into the newspapers, I couldn’t go back to Oslo as the one who’d been accused of rape and was going to have a misbegotten child with that woman. Laufey threatened to do it, though. Fortunately, we managed to cut a deal outside the court. Her advocate drove a hard bargain and I had to fulfil all the conditions, it was, among other things, paying palimony, very high though, and I had to promise her that I’d never try to contact our child. It hurt me so badly. But I had to promise that to her.

Laufey dropped charges and I came back to Oslo, sad and downcast. Frigga had never found out about it. She just felt that something had happened. But she never asked directly. I came back to you, I brought you up. I tried to be a good father to you but I know I wasn’t. I’m so sorry. There’s still a scar on my heart after what had happened on Iceland. 

But soon after I came back to Oslo, Laufey delivered a baby. My baby. It was a boy. She sent me his photo, then she started sending them recurrently. It was also kind of a punishment for me: I could see my son from the screen of my laptop, I could watch him growing only on the photographs or short videos she had sent to me, not even being able to say hello to him.

Laufey named him after a Nordic god, _Loki_.


	11. Chapter 11

Nothing could get through to me.

I was sitting motionlessly, digesting the information dad had just told me. I was in a deep shock; supposedly I understood what had been told but my brain denied it all in an effective way. It didn’t want to absorb such an amount of new information.

I stared vacantly in space, everything was getting through to me in a slow motion. Dad was talking to me but I couldn’t hear him; I was like under the water.

After some time, it finally struck me. Everything started to be unclouded, everything what was unconscious became conscious and suddenly I realised everything. 

I shook my head.

\- _*Nei_.

I took a look at my father, he looked worried. He approached to me, touched my arm, but I didn’t want to be touched in that moment. I moved away from him.

\- Thor – he began, I buried my face in my hands.

\- _Nei_. 

\- You know him, don’t you? Thor, you know Loki? Is it him who gave you that photograph-? Is he here, in Oslo?

I finally rose from the sofa, started walking to and fro in the living room, having no idea what to do with myself. I was broken, in pieces.

\- It can’t be true! – I choked it out in the end, raising my voice. Dad humbly lowered his head.

\- But it is, unfortunately. Thor, I know you’re angry with me but I have to ask you for something… - he looked at me in a beseeching way. I saw him like that for the first time in my life. – Just, please, don’t tell your mum. She can’t know it all. I don’t want her to leave me for the mistakes I did over twenty years ago…

\- _**For faen!_ – I shouted. Only after a while did I feel that my eyes were wet and the tears automatically ran down my cheeks. I wiped them away with a nervous move. – You don’t understand a thing!

I grabbed my jacket and ran out of the apartment. I couldn’t stay there any minute longer. However, dad managed to catch me up outside. It was snowing and raining heavily, the end of the world. Father grabbed my arm, he was wearing only a shirt, nothing more. What an idiot. 

\- Thor, please! – she shouted.

\- Leave me alone! – I pushed him away and quickly jumped on my motorbike, put on the crash helmet and drove away. As far from there as I could.

I returned to my flat. Fortunately, my flatmate wasn’t there yet. Good, I had to stay alone. I removed the soaked clothes, took a warm shower. It sobered me up a bit. And only then did the horrible truth get through to me:

_Loki was my half-brother._

And He knew it from the very beginning. This is why He didn’t want anything serious to be between us. But I fell in love with Him. And it seemed as though He didn’t stay indifferent either. Herregud, what had we done.

I found a bottle of whiskey, thriftily hidden for a special occasion. I decided to drain it that day when there was nothing to celebrate to. I had to get drunk, I had to forget. Just for a little while.

After a half of the bottle, I lost consciousness. 

The next day I woke up in my bed, still fully dressed, with a huge hangover. My head was aching like a son of a bitch, it was ringing in my ears and I had Gobi desert at high noon in my throat. I groaned when I realised what had happened the previous evening. The shock had already left me, leaving me empty. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I took some painkillers, took a shower and ate a good breakfast. I took a look inside my flatmate’s room; he was sleeping in his bed with his girlfriend. They must have come back late at night.

Now, as I finally knew the truth, I had to make a decision. Loki expected that from me.

I couldn’t deny an obvious truth: I still l loved Him. It didn’t change. It was only the way of perceiving the reality, Him or my father that changed. Or I’d rather say: our father.  


I knew I had to make a decision. As soon as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Nei_ \- No  
>  _**For faen_ \- dammit


	12. Chapter 12

When SAS airline plane took off, I knew I made the right decision.

I took a look through the window at Oslo Bay, recognized the opera, the town hall and the coast with Aker Brygge. After a while we flew into the cloud zone and I couldn’t see a thing anymore.

I was flying to London. To find Loki. I had to talk to Him, see Him; it was such a long time since we last saw each other. I missed Him. So damn badly. I couldn’t deceive myself any longer. I didn’t want to be ashamed of that anymore. 

It was a couple of days after the conversation with my father. He wrote to me and called me a couple of times but I wasn’t able neither to write him back nor to call him back. I wasn’t ready yet. Not after all I had heard.

I didn’t tell anyone about the flight; I had no idea how much time I’d spend there in London, I just told my flatmate not to worry about my absence, and talked to some people from my faculty (to get the notes from lectures afterwards). They were supposed to tell it to my thesis promoter.

All in all, I was flying on spec; the only thing I knew was that Loki was studying in London, at Royal Academy of Arts. It was the only clue I had, the only foothold. However, I didn’t mind me standing and waiting a couple of hours for Him. I was determined. But I counted on a small stroke of luck.

Two hours later the plane started taxiing over Gatwick airport. It was early, eleven o’clock. I had a load of time to get to the city centre and find the academy. When we landed, I took my pack and headed straight to the exit. I didn’t have any extra luggage, I didn’t need it. After all, I didn’t expect to stay there more than two days.

I got into Gatwick Express to get to the city centre as fast as I could. The journey was pleasant but when I looked through the window I found out that the weather in London was quite awful. That’s tough, I thought. It didn’t discourage me, though. After all, I was used to such weather in Norway.

When I got off at Victoria Station, I changed to the underground. I had to get to the famous Piccadilly, the academy was very close to it.

When I left the underground, it was harsh and cold wind and snow that welcomed me. People dashed to hide from it. I recognised the famous Piccadilly circus roundabout, I was there in London for a school trip when I was fourteen. Surely many things had changed through that time. Nevertheless, this time I wasn’t there as a tourist. I had a mission to carry out, I had to find Loki.

After having marched for a few minutes, I got to the majestic building of the academy. There was the Union Jack waving proudly on the top of the roof, a monument of the founder standing on the courtyard and naked trees without any leaves left. I was in the right place. I started wondering, what now. All in all, whole that journey was one big improvisation, I didn’t think it through. After a second my hands started freezing, so I decided to enter the building and take a look around. 

I pushed the massive door and went inside. High walls echoing every sound made me feel so small. On my right, I noticed an old man sweeping the floor, I decided to buttonhole him.

\- Excuse me, sir, do you know where the faculty of painting is? – I asked.

\- Boy, I’ll have been working here for forty five years now – he said. – Third floor. However, now everybody’s supposed to have a lunch break – he added and outwent my next question by saying: - The canteen is in the basement, level minus one. You can go down these stairs – he pointed at the stairs on my left. I smiled.

\- Thank you so much! – I said and dashed towards the stairs, whereupon I landed in a spacey cafeteria full of people. There were some long and some single tables, people talking and laughing, a common babel. A smell of food made my stomach shrink. 

Despite of many people there, I noticed Loki just after a while. He was sitting at the end of the room with some older guy in a suit and a young girl. He was listening and smiling. He was wearing a typical Icelandic *lopapeysa sweater. He looked beautiful. I ached to run and kiss Him, just like then after the concert.

The awareness of who He was to me was painful. I felt a lump in my throat.

Loki noticed me after a while. He started staring at me in disbelief, so that His interlocutors turned to look what attracted His attention so much. 

\- Hey, isn’t that Thor?! – I heard the girl sitting next to Him. How…? How did she know about me?

Loki said something to them and slowly walked towards me. I didn’t know what kind of reaction I was supposed to expect: would He be angry with me? Would He slap me? Hug me…? I had no idea. He was the same mystery to me as always.

However, He took me by the hand and led out of the place without a word. When I felt His cold fingers on my palm, I shivered; we climbed on the first floor. It was empty. We sat down on one of the benches there.

\- I didn’t expect you to arrive – He said.

\- Loki – I choked it out. – I know everything.

He looked at me expectantly.

\- It’s not that easy – I added.

\- I know – He nodded. – But you came here anyway, didn’t you?

I kept silent for a while. He was right. He knew more than me, as usual.

\- I finish my classes in two hours. Can you wait for me? Then we can go and talk in some more secluded place – He suggested and I agreed on that. I had been waiting so long so I could wait two hours more. 

Loki walked down to the canteen and I stayed. I checked my mobile phone, lots of missed calls. Dad again. I tossed the mobile in my hand, wondering how to explain it to him. He’d never accept that, I was sure. But the fact was that I had had no idea who Loki was to me. Everything papped. 

He came back two hours later, just like He promised. He had a big art portfolio slung on His shoulder, surely some painting. I was intrigued but didn’t dare to ask.

We left the academy building, fortunately it stopped blowing and snowing so heavily.

\- Where are we going? – I asked, following Loki. He smiled mysteriously, just as He usually did. I loved His smile.

\- You’ll see – He just said.

After a quick march, we walked through a square (Loki explained to me that it was Golden Square) and after a while He opened the door to some cafeteria. _Nordic Bakery._ I laughed.

\- When I miss Scandinavia, I go there – He said. – They don’t serve _**Smalahove_ but I can do without it.

\- Just like at home – I smiled. We sat at the table in the back, Loki ordered only black coffee and cinnamon buns, but I was starving so I took a set meal with smoked salmon. Well, I’d never thought that I’d ever eat a dinner in a beautiful restaurant in the heart of London with the man I loved. With my half-brother.

We kept silent for a while, none of us knew what to say. There were so many things I wanted to ask Him that I didn’t know where to start.

\- Loki – I began hesitantly. – how… how did your friend in that canteen know who I was and what my name was? – I asked. It was one of the things that kept rankling me. He smiled and looked away at that question.

\- I drew you – He answered in sotto voce. My eyebrows must have gone up to the line of my hair, I was speechless. – I showed it to some people. It must have been quite similar since she recognised you. And no, I didn’t plan it – he added, tucking his hair behind the ear. 

\- Oh – I mumbled, not knowing what else to say. – Can you show it to me-?

Loki tilted His head in a childish gesture.

\- If you really want to – He said and grabbed His pack. He pulled out a thick sketchbook out, found the right page and handed it to me. 

I was staring at the drawing as if I was looking in the mirror. He was so good at it. I was so impressed, Loki had a real talent. I kept looking at Him and at the sketch and I couldn’t believe my own eyes.

\- Wow – I choked it out. – it’s brilliant. I’ll say. You have a great talent.

\- Takk – He said. – do you want it? I can give it to you.

\- I wouldn’t like to take your work away, I’d prefer a scan or a photocopy – I said and Loki made a wry face.

\- No, it’s not the same. The photocopy is not the same. After all, it damages the paper – He mumbled, browsed through the pages in His sketchbook, leaned backwards and started drawing me. I was a bit puzzled, I’d never sat for anybody. I didn’t know what to do. – Try not to move, I’m about to finish the basic sketch – He said.

\- Okay – I smiled. After a while the waiter brought our meals. 

\- Now you can move – Loki said after a while. He took a sip of coffee and continued, concentrated. He smudged something with a fingertip, shaded another thing. After a while He pulled the sheet out of the sketchbook and handed it to me. – This is for you.

He outdid Himself in that short moment. It was me, as if in the picture.

\- It’s great. Thank you – I said and put the drawing between the books in my pack so that it wouldn’t crease. 

We fell silent for a while again.

\- I’m happy to see you – He said in the end. I held my breath when I heard it. – Really. I didn’t expect that. But it was a nice surprise. 

\- I didn’t know until departure if what I was doing wasn’t a complete foolishness – I said. – But I haven’t seen you for so many weeks, so…

\- I know, I know – He said with a sad smile. He touched my hand and it sent pleasant shivers up and down my spine. I squeezed His hand and He didn’t take it away, the way He’d done once after the lecture.

When we left, it started raining. We ran towards the underground on Piccadilly and got off three stations later. Loki lived in nice, modern dormitory. We managed to slip inside, there was no-one at the reception desk. We giggled and couldn’t stop it until we reached Loki’s room. 

\- Are you sure I can stay? – I asked, crossing the threshold.

\- Unless the receptionist finds out, it’s okay – He said, putting His art portfolio at the wall. I looked around; it was quite big room, there wasn’t many furniture in, just the basic ones: desk, lockers, wardrobe, bed. And the easel. I noticed a sketch of His work there and walked closer. Still life. After a second I took a look aside and spotted a bowl with fruit in it. 

\- The fruit! – it enlightened me suddenly. Loki looked at me questioningly. – This is why You had so many of them in the tram and at Youngstorget!

Loki laughed at it.

\- Yes. I didn’t go to Greenland.

\- Oh, why didn’t I think about it earlier – I mumbled. After a while I realised how cold it was in that room. All the windows were open.

Loki noticed my startled look.

\- Turpentine – He explained. – if I don’t air the room well, I could get intoxicated or get hallucinations and so on. I’ll close them in a second – He said and bent over the windowsill. He looked so beautiful, I couldn’t believe that we shared a half of the same person; it couldn’t be true. It was beyond my ken.

Maybe it would be better if I never found out.

\- Have you always known – I began slowly, sitting on His bed and fixing my eyes into the floor. – that my father is… also yours?

Loki sighed and took the sketch out of His art portfolio. He put it on the easel.

\- When I was big enough to realise that I didn’t have someone like father, yes – He said. I walked closer to Him to see what He’d painted. It literally took my breath away.  


It was severe winter landscape, almost like from a fairy tale. Rough ocean and its waves hitting a high rocky hill, and a lone man standing on the top of it. It was beautiful. I couldn’t find any better word that would describe it. 

\- It’s not finished yet – He said. – But as to your question… I was maybe five when I was told that. I was just curious. I checked how he was doing from time to time. The Internet is a blessing – He said with a sad smile. – There was some information about you too. I can say that I met you much earlier than you met me. And, erm, I recognised you that day at Frogner Plass. I was astonished, in a positive way, of course. However, I wasn’t going to get in touch with you, that what happened…

\- …it’s only my fault – I finished. – I felt I had to approach you, do something.

\- I spilled all my books and fruit because of you – He smiled. I returned it. 

\- You know I didn’t want to.

\- I know. 

A moment of silence again. And so tense. I wanted to kiss Him again so badly.

\- Loki – I began. My voice so unfamiliar, as if it didn’t belong to me. – I don’t want to be ashamed of that. I want to live as if it’s never taken place.

\- But can you do it?

\- And you? – I asked back.

\- I was the first who asked – He smiled in that mischievous way I loved. The smiled that made my heart beating faster and made it feel tight in my pants.

\- I don’t know – I said. – But I’d like to try at least.

It was Him who started that kiss. Firstly, a bit shyly but after a while more passionately and steamily. I held Him on His waist, I felt as if I was about to faint, it was ringing in my ears because of all the emotions. Loki put His hands around my neck, it was devastating.

\- I’ve imagined myself that moment – I gasped. – for such a long time.

\- Is it very different from your vision? –Loki asked with a smile. His body close to mine, I felt His heart hammering fast; strange, I thought, I thought I was the only one who was so nervous and agitated.

\- No – I said. – it’s better than in my vision. This is real.

More breathtaking kisses, hands wandering over bodies. I wanted to go a step further but I didn’t know if Loki wanted it too, and, well, what I was supposed to do, after all I had never done it with a man before. I guess my fears were justified. 

However, I was lucky because Loki took the matters into His own neat hands of the artist, started unbuttoning my shirt that fell on the floor after a while. He bit my earlobe, causing the next wave of pleasure, whereupon He quickly undid my belt. 

I held my breath when I felt His long fingers on my penis. _Herregud_.

\- Come here – He whispered and pushed me on the bed that creaked under my weight. Loki sat astride me, we started kissing again. I let myself put both of my hands under His sweater. His skin was soft, nice to touch. I helped Him to take His sweater off, now we were even. His hair electrified, it looked quite funny, I giggled. 

I started kissing His neck, collarbones and chest. I pulled Him close to me, I became emotionally charged and excited simultaneously, it was such an explosive mixture.

He sucked my tongue, He was a master at biting the lower lip. Our saliva was mixing, our lips were telling a story that only they knew. I was intoxicated, not only with the turpentine in the air. 

\- Loki, I- - I began but He just kissed me. 

\- Shh, not now. I know, I know everything. 

My Loki, my otherworldly Loki. The character from the fairy tale. I pulled Him tight, fearing that I’d lose Him again, that we’d drift apart again for long weeks. 

But nothing like that happened; He was whole mine in that moment.

He quickly took off His pants, and He was naked. I guess I made a stupid face when I saw Him like that, because He laughed. He looked beautiful, in the flesh. I just… couldn’t find the right words to describe that wonderful view that suddenly appeared in front of my eyes. 

He slipped my pants down. And all of a sudden I was in the warmth of His mouth.

Oh God.

I reached my hand to touch Him, give Him some pleasure, but He didn’t want to get distracted, He pushed my hand away. 

After a while my eyes became hazy, my muscles strained. He was so good at it, so damn good. But didn’t let me come, it was just the introduction. 

When He mounted me, suddenly we became one. Then – for the first time in my life – I felt… fulfilled. And complete. I held Him tightly on His waist, kissed His abdomen. Loki let out the sweetest sigh I had ever heard, dug His nails into my skin, pulled my hair.

When we started making love, He burst into tears. I didn’t know what was going on, so I stopped. I started saying sorry vehemently, afraid that I hurt Him. Loki started denying everything. He said those were tears of joy. That He hadn’t feel so good for so long and that I had to make love to Him more and more.

\- _***Ég elska þig_ – I blurted out suddenly. This time it was my turn to cry. I felt so stupid and had no idea how to behave. I was too old for such things. And men don’t cry. Loki started stroking and soothing me, saying that it was okay and it was normal. That everyone has to cry from time to time.

\- You have an awful accent – He added in the end, kissing me, repeating the words He’d told me before the concert. 

That night was like Christmas.

We matched each other perfectly, we read the maps of our bodies, found all the imperfections, curves and scars, everything we loved in each other.

When Loki was finally under me, I could adore, worship and kiss Him. Our bodies in a vice-like grip; I had an impression that I landed in heaven and hell simultaneously. I started burning, I burnt up to every feeling nerve. And it felt wonderful. Thoughts started dropping out of my head, my mind soaring somewhere in space. 

And that sudden discovery – the heart! I finally knew where it was placed and – most importantly – to whom it was beating.

Fire in my loins, in my head, licking my body. I looked at Loki – His face bedewed with a sweat, His eyes glass and empty, His lips smiling. He was so beautiful.

Loki dug His nails in my bottom, bit my arm, He was telling me something, scolding me, I made a wry face but didn’t stop. Orgasm was fighting with me but I was losing. I was pushed into the Paradise by force but I didn’t really withstand – I gave in to it.

It was an electric shiver that ran throughout my body, my muscles strained. I was falling into the abyss that devoured me whole. I was falling and that fall was endless. I was climaxing so intensively, like never before, as if I’d never experienced it before.

Loki groaned sweetly, His back bent like an arc, it showed that He felt it too. After a second He fell powerless on the bed, His face sweaty and as pleased as punch. I was staring at Him, gasping heavily.

When I finally came round fair to middling, I laid next to Him and pulled Loki to myself. His body was warmed-up as hell after all what had happened between us.

I kissed His neck, skin on His breastbone, whereupon I held Him again, rubbing Him with my stubble as if it had some healing power. Loki embraced me, His fingers weak and soft when they touched my face. Then I felt like lovemaking, kissing fondly, my soul of a romantic, unknown to anybody, woke up. In my Idyll me and Loki were together forever. 

\- _****Ég elska þig líka_ – He said it with quiet but sexy hoarse voice. Those were the most beautiful words I had ever heard.

We kept silent, resting, closer to each other than ever. Only our breaths, finally regular, and Loki humming some song quietly, playing with my hair. None of us dared to break that magic, intimate moment. It would be a sacrilege.

When I finally fell asleep, it was the most peaceful sleep I had for weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *lopapeysa swater: http://www.thimbleanna.com/images/2013/Knitting/Lopi5.jpg  
> **Smalahove - Western Norwegian traditional dish made of ship's head  
> ***Ég elska þig - I love you  
> ****Ég elska þig líka - I love you too


	13. Chapter 13

In June I managed to defend my master thesis: _Anders Behring Breivik’s criminal action – does Norwegian criminal law need life imprisonment?_ My promoter was very proud of me, I managed to answer the questions from the committee and the public quite well. Of course, my parents had come and, surprisingly, even my half-brother, Vale. 

And Loki was there too. He’d come back from London just a couple of days ago, especially for my defence. I’d been gone to London to visit Him a couple of times, but His presence gave me some courage, He was my greatest support. I wasn’t even sure if I would have done so well if it hadn’t been for Him. Of course He’d say I was overestimating Him, but I really felt this way.

Loki and my father saw each other at the defence for the first time. They recognised each other at once but didn’t exchange a word, not only because of my mum who was there but I knew Loki wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. He wanted to give Himself some more time and I didn’t want to hurry Him up. I knew we had all the time in the world for each other and He’d surely be invited for a Sunday dinner to my parents’ apartment. I knew they’d have lots of opportunities to talk to each other. 

I had no idea, though, if my father surmised something about me and Loki. Either way, he had nothing to say in that matter. It was my life.

Because I already had place in articles for the next months, me and Loki decided to go on holidays, benefit from the beautiful sun and go to Iceland. It was – contrary to appearances – mine, not His idea, but He agreed with enthusiasm; I knew He missed the place He’d come from and because I’d never been there before, I thought: why not to kill two birds with one stone? 

We landed on Keflavik airport in the beginning of July. Loki was as happy as Larry and so was I. The fact that He was joyful just because of being there also made me happy, it worked both ways. 

When we got off the plane, just before getting on the bus that was supposed to take us to the airport itself, Loki threw His arms around my neck and kissed me. I was positively surprised by that spontaneous reaction, I held Him on His waist. His hair windblown because of the working engines, mine also. He said something to me but I didn’t hear Him.

\- I said: thank you! – He shouted, smiling broadly. It was such a beautiful moment, His eyes were shining. I regretted having put my camera somewhere deep in the pack because I wanted to stop that moment in time, in the picture.

Our plan was like that: we spend three days in the capital city and then head up to the North and tour around Iceland. Loki wanted to show me everything He could, so our schedule was quite tight but I didn’t bother – on the contrary, I was amazed with that perspective. Then I realised that we were going to do the same thing Loki’s mother and my – or I’d rather say: our – father had done years ago. Loki knew that story too.

Loki’s stepfather, Fárbauti, still lived in Reykjavik with two Loki’s half-brothers (He’d told me about them only a few days ago and it still seemed weird to me), Helblindi and Býleistur, who were, respectively, twelve and ten years old. We decided to stay with them for three nights and then go our way.

\- Don’t be so nervous – Loki giggled while we were walking the street towards His home. – Fárbauti is a great guy and kids are cute, I’m sure they’ll like you and you will like them.

\- Yeah, sure, but… it all happened so fast – I mumbled.

He took me by the hand to give me some courage.

Scarcely did we arrive at a small two-storey house and Loki opened the gate when suddenly the front door opened and two kids slammed out, shouting. Loki smiled broadly, crouched and hugged them. It was such a lovely scope, I couldn’t hold a smile.

I guess Loki introduced me to them because the boys started looking at me with curiosity and – at least I thought so – little fear. Finally, Helblindi shook my hand. I squeezed it delicately. 

\- Hello – he said, it was audible that his English wasn’t well-practised yet. – I am Helblindi. And who are you?

\- I’m Thor, nice to meet you – I said. After a second, Býleistur ventured to greet me too. However, he had much more cheek than his older brother:

\- Are you Loki’s, erm – he started wondering, whereupon he looked helplessly at Loki. He must have forgotten a word. - _kærasti?_

Loki burst out with laughter when He heard that. I still had no idea what made Him laugh so much. 

\- _Boyfriend_ – He prompted. 

\- Yes! Are you Loki’s boyfriend? 

I also couldn’t hold a laughter when I heard that. Are all children on Iceland so direct?

\- Yes, I am – I replied. After a while we went inside. It was so cosy, the fireplace in the corner, curtains in windows, creaking floor made of real wood. My otherworldly Loki couldn’t live in any other place than that, I thought, it also looked like taken from a fairy tale. 

After a while we heard quick steps on the stairs.

\- _*Loki, er það þú?!_

Fárbauti was a tall, slim and well-built man, his hair was gingery, he also had a beard he was proudly wearing. He looked quite businesslike at first sight but when he hugged Loki so tenderly, I realised he was a good man who had been through hard times. After all, Loki’s mother had died not so long time ago, it had been a blow for all of them, the wounds were still healing.

\- _**Þetta er Thor_ – Loki said, pointing at me. Fárbauti shook my hand and smiled, he had crow’s feet in the corner of his eyes. 

\- It’s nice to meet you in the end – he said in a firm voice. His Norwegian was quite okay, I admired the fact that he wanted to talk to me in my mother tongue, it was such a nice gesture. 

\- Likewise – I said, finally relaxing a bit. The first meeting went quite well, I guess I was accepted, I thought.

Loki led me upstairs, to the room He’d lived in. That was His kingdom, His own private world. And in that world there was so many books piling up on the floor, standing on shelves. There was Salvador Dali on the wall and his Persistence of memory. And – what shouldn’t have surprised me – Loki’s own paintings on the walls: trees, woods, a faun playing a harmonica, elves dancing. And everything man-sized, so detailed that one could think that someone had put a photograph wallpaper there. 

\- Is that you who painted it? – I asked foolishly, touching the painting. Loki nodded. – You’re brilliant.

\- _Takk._

I kissed Him and then we went sightseeing around Reykjavik. I could never say that the capital city can be such a calm and picturesque place. Reykjavik seemed to be trapped in time, people still lived in their own pace, according to the tradition. I felt like in a different world while me and Loki were strolling through the winding lanes, between colorful houses, on the promenade. 

If I had to choose between Oslo and Reykjavik, I wouldn’t hesitate. 

We came back home in the evening, I helped Loki to prepare a supper. When Fárbauti joined us to the supper, it became so domestic, so nice. Helblindi and Býleistur started kicking each other under the table but their father quickly settled them down. The boys politely did the washing up after the supper and then the younger one asked me to help him with some mathematical task. I agreed without hesitation, glad that the boy trusted me enough to ask for that.

While I was trying to explain the improper fractions to him, Loki talked to His stepfather. I decided not to interrupt them, they needed that.

Finally, Fárbauti sent the boys to their bedroom and I also headed towards Loki’s room. It was a long flight and a long day and I felt exhausted. When I turned off the light and was almost falling asleep, I heard quiet steps on the stairs, then the door and floor creaking. After a while I felt Loki’s cold hands on my arm. 

\- Are you sleeping? – He asked whispering. I moved to make Him some room.

\- Almost – I mumbled and turned to face Him. He sat at the edge of the bed, undressing. In the darkness His skin seemed to be even paler, it had a wonderful glow. I loved watching Him, He was so beautiful. I put my arm around Him when He laid next to me.

\- Does your stepdad – I started hesitantly. – know that we’re related…?

\- No – He replied, touching my stubble. – and let it stay this way.

\- Okay – I nodded and kissed Him; when He was so close, I couldn’t easily control myself. He smiled and brushed the hair away from my forehead.

\- My family liked you – He stated. – I’m so happy. You know how important it is for me.

\- I know. I also liked them, the boys are great.

\- Thor – He began with more serious voice. – before we head off to North, I need to see somebody first.

The tone of His voice made me feel anxious. What was the matter? Those secrets again.

\- Who? – I asked, frowning. Loki smiled and touched the furrow between my eyebrows. 

\- Calm down, you jealous – He whispered. – It’s my family.

I smiled and fell asleep peacefully.

Two days later I found out who Loki was supposed to meet.

Fárbauti promised to give us a lift to the next locality but then we had to fend for ourselves. It was nice of him. We were already in his jeep, ready for the journey. We already said goodbyes to the kids, Loki hugged them and promised to come back soon. Along with me. I didn’t know why but I felt moved by that.

We drove close to the cemetery while leaving Reykjavik. Loki asked His stepfather to draw for a halt for a while because He had something to do. 

When He got out of the car, I asked questioningly at Fárbauti. After he followed Loki with his eyes, He smiled at me. 

\- He went to visit Laufey, His mother – He said. Herregud, why didn’t I think about it earlier? I smiled and shook my head, I finally understood it. 

Loki came back twenty minutes later, consoled and calm. He got into the car, at seat next to me.

\- _***Allt í lagi?_ – Fárbauti asked, turned to face Him. Loki nodded His head.

\- Yeah, we can go – Loki said in Norwegian and put His head on my shoulder. I put my arm around Him; we were going for an adventure, together. We were going in silence but after a while Fárbauti played a CD; it was _Svartir Sandar_ to my positive surprise. I closed my eyes, recalled when Loki had translated all the songs for me. The album began with _Ljós í stormi_ – _The light in the storm_. 

_Like the sea that calls the ships,_  
_after stormy nights,_  
_I embrace the way_  
_Wherever it takes me._  
_But you call me,_  
_You break the waves,_  
_you offer me shelter._  
_And whatever happens,_  
_during the darkest hour._  
_You were the light in the storm._  
_I stumbled alone into self-destruction,_  
_my soul is to die._  
_Now it seems black,_  
_everything has become cold._  
_I stepped into darkness,_  
_my soul is to die._  
_The darkness stepped aside,  
_ _you were the light in the storm._

I didn’t need anything else in that moment. Everything was in position. And I was in too. With Loki, in my Idyll, on Iceland. 

Whoever cared that He was my half-brother? Until no-one adverse knew about it, we could sleep peacefully and pretend that this kinship didn’t exist at all. It wasn’t that difficult in practice as one could think. We were in love. And in the end it was the only thing that really mattered. 

Loki. Laufeyson, Odinson or Borson. Names and surnames are in fact only tags. They don’t mean anything in reality. He could be my brother but I had never treated Him as such. 

The light in the storm. And fire in my heart. That’s who He was to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Loki, er það þú? - Loki, is that you?  
> **Þetta er Thor - This is Thor  
> ***Allt í lagi? - Everything okay?  
> _______
> 
> Thank you all for reading that! (Especially _Sigynthefaithful_ who was a great support, however, never aimed to be one :) )


End file.
